My Second Blog Entry: Connections

Hello, again.

Lately, I have been attempting to remember my past. Childhood experiences and whatnot, because for so long they have been left ignored and unacknowledged.

Everything I am today--and, more accurately, everything I'm not--is a compilation of all of my past experiences. I believe I endured much pain as a child (how difficult my life has been is merely subjective, I will not go into that)... consequently, I spent much of my adolescence repressing the overflow of negative emotions. (I'm at the end of my teenage years, let it be known). I used to 'train' myself, quite literally. With each passing day I attempted to desensitize myself by doling out one remark of self-hatred after another. I was a young girl filled with self-hatred, brimming with self-hatred. And then some things happen as things usually do happen, and I somehow ended up here, wondering "where the fuck have my emotions gone?" Yes, the emotions are there, somewhere deep within my psyche, but there is only one prevalent in my mind, and that is fear (as I previously mentioned).

It is so difficult for me to feel repulsed by someone. It is not difficult, actually, but quite impossible. Yes, impossible. There is no line I seem to stand behind, even though most people... they seem to have a line. As soon as it is crossed by another person a message enters their mind howling "This is wrong!" But that doesn't happen to me, I...

People are so interesting. Even when they're not trying to be, especially when they're not trying to be interesting. I sometimes don't understand why they act the way they act or do the things they do. Such a fascinating species, and lucky me! I get to observe them for the rest of my life! Neat-o!!!!!!!