Tuesday, August 18, 2009
My Second and a Half Blog Entry: Because this one doesn't really count
If you give me twenty minutes to sit down with another person and listen to them speak, I will analyze them ever so flawlessly. People are often amazed, and I don't usually speak of myself in such high regard. I like to analyze people and understand their fear, shame and anger, and the general principle behind them. Oh, how I love to analyze people. But I can't analyze myself, no no no no. I can't analyze myself, I can't look at myself and see anything. I just see thoughts and thoughts and more thoughts and thoughts that don't unify together. But I can analyze people.
My Second Blog Entry: Connections
Hello, again.
Lately, I have been attempting to remember my past. Childhood experiences and whatnot, because for so long they have been left ignored and unacknowledged.
Everything I am today--and, more accurately, everything I'm not--is a compilation of all of my past experiences. I believe I endured much pain as a child (how difficult my life has been is merely subjective, I will not go into that)... consequently, I spent much of my adolescence repressing the overflow of negative emotions. (I'm at the end of my teenage years, let it be known). I used to 'train' myself, quite literally. With each passing day I attempted to desensitize myself by doling out one remark of self-hatred after another. I was a young girl filled with self-hatred, brimming with self-hatred. And then some things happen as things usually do happen, and I somehow ended up here, wondering "where the fuck have my emotions gone?" Yes, the emotions are there, somewhere deep within my psyche, but there is only one prevalent in my mind, and that is fear (as I previously mentioned).
It is so difficult for me to feel repulsed by someone. It is not difficult, actually, but quite impossible. Yes, impossible. There is no line I seem to stand behind, even though most people... they seem to have a line. As soon as it is crossed by another person a message enters their mind howling "This is wrong!" But that doesn't happen to me, I...
People are so interesting. Even when they're not trying to be, especially when they're not trying to be interesting. I sometimes don't understand why they act the way they act or do the things they do. Such a fascinating species, and lucky me! I get to observe them for the rest of my life! Neat-o!!!!!!!
Lately, I have been attempting to remember my past. Childhood experiences and whatnot, because for so long they have been left ignored and unacknowledged.
Everything I am today--and, more accurately, everything I'm not--is a compilation of all of my past experiences. I believe I endured much pain as a child (how difficult my life has been is merely subjective, I will not go into that)... consequently, I spent much of my adolescence repressing the overflow of negative emotions. (I'm at the end of my teenage years, let it be known). I used to 'train' myself, quite literally. With each passing day I attempted to desensitize myself by doling out one remark of self-hatred after another. I was a young girl filled with self-hatred, brimming with self-hatred. And then some things happen as things usually do happen, and I somehow ended up here, wondering "where the fuck have my emotions gone?" Yes, the emotions are there, somewhere deep within my psyche, but there is only one prevalent in my mind, and that is fear (as I previously mentioned).
It is so difficult for me to feel repulsed by someone. It is not difficult, actually, but quite impossible. Yes, impossible. There is no line I seem to stand behind, even though most people... they seem to have a line. As soon as it is crossed by another person a message enters their mind howling "This is wrong!" But that doesn't happen to me, I...
People are so interesting. Even when they're not trying to be, especially when they're not trying to be interesting. I sometimes don't understand why they act the way they act or do the things they do. Such a fascinating species, and lucky me! I get to observe them for the rest of my life! Neat-o!!!!!!!
Friday, August 14, 2009
My First Blog Entry
Hello there, ladies and gentlemen. I am starting my very own blog in hopes of finding... IT. Yes, IT.
I do not know what IT is yet, but I shall find it one day (hopefully). Now, before you run away from my esoteric introduction, let me tell you a little about myself.
I am a female, quite obviously. I will not disclose my age, however, let it be known that I am still very young. Introspection is my greatest passion. I am rather knowledgable in MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator); my type is INTP. My enneagram type is 5w6.
I enjoy philosophy, literature, music, and architecture. I am rather strange, although that statement is quite questionable.
I am looking for the concreteness in life. (Could that be IT?)
For so long I have been observing reality swim around me, while my hands grasp onto my own body in an attempt at self-preservation. Lately, however, I have stopped clutching so vigorously. I have let go of my mind and body. I have allowed reality to fill me inside, until I am but a walking, empty shell.
I no longer hold an identity. Maybe I never have. I don't know anymore.
I am swimming around with reality, now. I am a pure abstraction... I want some sort of link, some connection, to the earth. A strong, durable connection. That connection will banish all my fears, forever more. Every decision I have ever made throughout my life has been influenced by fear.
My body longs for adventure. For spontaneity.
I don't think I have any acquaintances with blogs of their own. I don't have too many acquaintances, either way.
Even--even if--no one ever reads this obscure, messy piece of writing, I don't care. The fact I have transferred my intimate thoughts onto public, white sheets is comforting enough. In all honesty, it is quite liberating... to be so nude.
Disclaimer:
Due to the fact that I am literally transferring my thoughts, with no editing whatsoever, onto this blog, it is going to be indubitably messy. Messy and random and vague, but that is how I like it. I will not make any excuses, for I want to display pure rawness.
My personal views regarding MBTI/Enneagram types: Neither are completely accurate. I abhor all labels and pigeonholing, and revere individuality above all. However, stating my MBTI type can be rather convenient at times. Instead of stating that I am 'pensive, analytical, detached, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera' (all characteristics of the INTP), I can simply declare my type.
I do not know what IT is yet, but I shall find it one day (hopefully). Now, before you run away from my esoteric introduction, let me tell you a little about myself.
I am a female, quite obviously. I will not disclose my age, however, let it be known that I am still very young. Introspection is my greatest passion. I am rather knowledgable in MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator); my type is INTP. My enneagram type is 5w6.
I enjoy philosophy, literature, music, and architecture. I am rather strange, although that statement is quite questionable.
I am looking for the concreteness in life. (Could that be IT?)
For so long I have been observing reality swim around me, while my hands grasp onto my own body in an attempt at self-preservation. Lately, however, I have stopped clutching so vigorously. I have let go of my mind and body. I have allowed reality to fill me inside, until I am but a walking, empty shell.
I no longer hold an identity. Maybe I never have. I don't know anymore.
I am swimming around with reality, now. I am a pure abstraction... I want some sort of link, some connection, to the earth. A strong, durable connection. That connection will banish all my fears, forever more. Every decision I have ever made throughout my life has been influenced by fear.
My body longs for adventure. For spontaneity.
I don't think I have any acquaintances with blogs of their own. I don't have too many acquaintances, either way.
Even--even if--no one ever reads this obscure, messy piece of writing, I don't care. The fact I have transferred my intimate thoughts onto public, white sheets is comforting enough. In all honesty, it is quite liberating... to be so nude.
Disclaimer:
Due to the fact that I am literally transferring my thoughts, with no editing whatsoever, onto this blog, it is going to be indubitably messy. Messy and random and vague, but that is how I like it. I will not make any excuses, for I want to display pure rawness.
My personal views regarding MBTI/Enneagram types: Neither are completely accurate. I abhor all labels and pigeonholing, and revere individuality above all. However, stating my MBTI type can be rather convenient at times. Instead of stating that I am 'pensive, analytical, detached, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera' (all characteristics of the INTP), I can simply declare my type.
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